Our managing editor has issued the following guidelines for reporters regarding interviews conducted in connection with this publication’s dedicated, 24/7, non-partisan coverage of newsworthy (or not) protest marches:
Remember to have your iPhone, iPad and (if female) your iLiner with you at all times.
Refrain from undertaking interviews with prospects manifestly unlikely to advance the dialog; for example:
- Anyone whose response starts off with OMG or who pantomimes an “L” on their forehead with thumb and index finger.
- Anyone wearing more than one nose ring.
- Anyone who is following Fox News tweets of the demonstration.
- Rep. Peter King.
- Anyone named after a constellation or other celestial body.
- Any adorable children (or animals) in costume, whether or not accompanied by an adult.
- Anyone wearing camo.
- Keith Olbermann
- Anyone wearing an aluminum-foil hat.
- Anyone au naturel.
- Wayne LaPierre
In sum, just exercise your usual discerning reportorial chops which, while having failed so far to garner us any distinguished journalism awards or attract any advertisers, have nevertheless won us a lasting place in the Pantheon of the terminally facetious.