Barnstable Beat

Ran into my friend the Old Curmudgeon last week at at Jim Ellis’ blacksmith shop in Barnstable where he was having his edge honed.

The Ellis family have been forgers for a century or so, whereas  the curmudgeon has been crabbing full-time only since he retired, back at the turn of the century.

The mudge (as we call him when his hearing aids are turned off), likes to keep his edge keen, lest he be out-kvetched by one of the legions of arriviste curmudgeons being minted as the population ages.

“Those whippersnappers”, he fulminated, “where were they when the country started going to H-E-double toothpicks back in ‘63? …in pantywaists, that’s where!”

World-class curmudgeons like my friend know that there are guidelines for virtuoso grousing. First off, it helps to be a bit mossy; those who agree with you will think you a canny old geezer, while those who disagree will be unlikely to resort to actual mayhem lest they run afoul of Elder Abuse statutes.

Furthermore, old curmudgeon decidedly out trumps young curmudgeon, an oxymoron connoting mere peevishness and an annoying tendency to whine about nits**t.

I usually like to stick around to hear the Mudge’s gripe-du-jour, but when I realized that the sun had gone over the yardarm and the siren call of a frosty Beach Blonde reached my ears from the Dolphin down the street, I beat a hasty retreat to more convivial surroundings.

Protest-Coverage Guidelines

Our managing editor has issued the following guidelines for reporters regarding interviews conducted in connection with this publication’s dedicated, 24/7, non-partisan coverage of newsworthy (or not) protest marches:

Remember to have your iPhone, iPad and (if female) your iLiner with you at all times.

Refrain from undertaking interviews with prospects manifestly unlikely to advance the dialog; for example:

• Anyone whose response starts off with OMG or who pantomimes an “L” on their forehead with  thumb and index finger.
• Anyone wearing more than one nose ring.
• Anyone who is following Fox News tweets of the demonstration.
• Rep. Peter King.
• Anyone named after a constellation or other celestial body.
• Any adorable children (or animals) in costume, whether or not accompanied by an adult.
• Anyone wearing camo.
• Keith Olbermann
• Anyone wearing an aluminum-foil hat.
• Anyone au naturel.
• Wayne LaPierre

In sum, just exercise your usual discerning reportorial chops which, while having failed so far to garner us any distinguished journalism awards or attract any advertisers, have nevertheless won us a lasting place in the Pantheon of the terminally facetious.

1963

Tom Brokaw, In his 2007 History Channel documentary, “1968”, starts off by reminding us that to understand what happened in that epochal year, you have to know what came before.

What came before was 1963.

As we observe the 50th Anniversary of The March on Washington, we vividly recall that 1963 spawned events that not only set the stage for 1968, but for pretty much everything that’s happened since.

Many of us news-media veterans of that era cut our professional teeth on the journalistic and related technological challenges of 1963, and “The Atlantic” takes us back to that initiation via this evocative photo gallery.

Incongruous Occupations

Ran into my friend the Old Curmudgeon the other day, occupying his regular bar stool at The Pub and looking even more peevish than usual.

Rashly, I inquired as to his well-being.

“Dog-tired”, he snarled. “Can’t sleep-in anymore. Guy who delivers my morning newspaper has a [expletive] hole in his [expletive] muffler.”

“How” he asked, “could they possibly have hired this clown?  Probably ran an ad reading: WANTED--reliable go-getter to deliver newspapers in residential area early in morning; must have car with ear-splittingly defective muffler. Congenital sociopaths will receive preference.”

“Next thing you know, they’ll be advertising for  agoraphobic mimes, squeamish vivisectionists, butterfingered wide-receivers, ingenuous politicians, and Lord knows what other [expletive] misfits this [expletive] society is producing nowadays!”

As he paused for breath, I hastily bade my adieux, slid off my stool and headed for the parking lot, where the surly attendant grudgingly brought around my car, hurling a string of colorful invectives after me as I drove away without tipping him.

Climatic ClipArt

Gravity exists

The earth is round

Climate Change is happening

 

Time is running out!

                                    

Ichthyological Ruminations

Has anyone else noticed how the Great White is gradually replacing the codfish as the graphic emblem of Cape Cod?

Not sure if this is an unwitting social commentary or a reflection of the effects of global climate change.

Shouldn’t be too many years before we have to change our name to Cape Shark, unless we sink back into the Atlantic first.

The Arms Treaty, the NRA, and a little Common Sense

On April 2, the AP reported that “the U.N. General Assembly overwhelmingly approved an arms [trade] Treaty [ATT] intended to keep weapons out of the hands of ‘terrorists, insurgents, organized crime figures, and human rights violators.’”

Three countries voted against the Treaty (are you ready?): Iran, North Korea, and Syria. Uncounted was a fourth hegemony, the NRA, whose EVP, Wayne LaPierre, had addressed the Assembly’s drafting committee in July of 2011 in an attempt to abort the Treaty in utero.

The U.S. signed on to the Treaty after ensuring that -- among other things -- it would not be binding on any domestic arms trade, or in any way contravene the provisions of the Second Amendment. Now, it must go to the Senate for ratification, and the ether is already abuzz with negative static from the NRA and its abettors which will no doubt at some point devolve into sowing fear among conspiracy theorists about jackbooted U.N. mercenaries in black helicopters coming to take our guns away from us, like the British tried to do in 1775.

I write this as a lifetime long-gun owner, target shooter, hunter, and former member of the NRA, who hopes to persuade his fellow enthusiasts that the NRA is in thrall to constituencies other than its general membership, e.g., powerful economic interests like the National Shooting Sports Federation, a trade association that fronts for the firearms industry. How else to account for the fact that Republican pollster, Frank Luntz, found – in July of last year – that “most NRA members and gun owners support more restrictive measures on gun ownership,” including 74% of NRA members who support (among other “common sense” issues) background checks, a measure that the NRA leadership is currently fighting tooth and nail on Capitol Hill.

I wish I had more confidence that the background check issue about to be debated by the Senate will survive (undiluted) its passage through Congress, but one always hopes that common sense will in fact prevail, even against such formidable odds.

UPDATE: The Senate ratified my lack of confidence in its rationality by voting down enhanced background checks.